Let me start this post off by saying I blame a rough day on the home front (that included an ER visit for one of my kiddos) combined with a brutal week at work on what led to this lapse in patience. Knowing how exhausted my wife was and how bad I felt, I thought a trip to your local Sonic Drive-in for a couple of shakes could be the elixir to soothe our weary souls. I chose the coconut creme pie for myself and the peanut butter cup Oreo for my bride. I also snuck in an order of boneless wings to eat en route to home.
Well, ten minutes since I ordered and I’m only about ten feet closer to the drive-in window. Obviously something is wrong but my heart is set and I settle in knowing delayed gratification brings sweet reward. My puzzlement at what is causing the delay is suddenly offset when I realize someone is screaming. A glance in my rearview mirror reveals the source – a sixtyish year-old woman in the car behind me. The tantrum she is raging is epic. She spirals down into absolute maniacal levels when ten added minutes pass until I reach the window.
The source of the delay is obvious as I approach — three young men huddle around the ice cream machine desperately trying to get it to work. An exasperated employee starts to apologize when the bi-fold windows open but the insane woman interrupts him with her cackling. I look back into my sideview mirror and now she’s hanging halfway out the door, banging the outside of it and screaming, “Whaaat iiis taaaaking sooooo loooooong?”
I turn back to the poor Sonic kid and say, “Give me a minute.” I exit my vehicle and walk towards the woman protruding through her window. She says, “Oh good, what’s going on in there?”. I reply, “Ma’am are you having a medical emergency?”. She responds, “What?” so, I repeat myself. This leads her to launch a four-letter expletive married to a “Youuuu!”. I calmly reply “Ma’am, I’m a nurse and I can only believe your behavior is the product of some kind of diabetic emergency.” This gets me a repeat times 3 of her prior vulgarity. Again in my calm, professional demeanor I respond, “Ma’am your behavior in public is completely unacceptable. I can’t in good conscience standby and let you spew your venom on these guys making minimum wage. I mean, it’s just ice cream”. This yields yet another F to the U in my direction. She follows up with, “I’m hungry and I want to eat! I’ve been in the hospital all day with my sister who’s trying to up and die. Those stupid nurses and doctors are trying to kill her!”
I tell her, “I’m sorry to hear about your sister but that doesn’t make your behavior any more acceptable”. That’s when she goes full volcano! The diversity and comprehensiveness of the profanity she employs is impressive! Her language could make a drill sergeant blush a brighter red then the cherry atop the shake now awaiting me. She ends her toxic diatribe insulting my truck that is apparently “bellowing poisonous fumes right into my face!!!”. I give her a wave and return to my beloved truck. There, I collect my goodies and wish the now laughing employees the best of luck! I go to pull away and, like Lot’s wife, cannot help but take one last look behind me. My princess is now perfectly framed viciously raising bilateral middle phalanges. I also notice she failed to take my advice to raise her window. It is at this moment that I take the opportunity to avenge all of the nurses, doctors, techs, unit clerks, security personnel and now, Sonic employees that I’m sure she’s offended throughout this day. I throw the old Ford F150 into reverse expertly guiding it to within six inches of her bumper. I drop the transmission into neutral and steadily rev the engine for 30 seconds. The black exhaust cloud that farts from the truck’s tailpipe as I drop it into drive is priceless; it perfectly envelopes her junker.
I know this is 100% wrong and I have no excuse for my own behavior but confession is good for the soul.
In fact, it tastes almost as sweet as that coconut pie shake!